everything is relational, everything is mediation

one of my favorite conceptual frameworks is agential realism, which put simply, is the idea that the phenomena that make up reality are the product of interacting agents. that rock in your yard formed through billions of forces over time – what it "is" is inseparable from the actions that have shaped it. the same is true for humans, animals, plants, and all phenomena, including the quantum.

i like this framework because its historical, it expands the idea of objects outside of what they seem to be in this moment, and this is a much richer way to experience life than to confine objects and people just to our present sensory experience of them. there is so much unknown baked into everything. the great mystery of life is real!

i also like this framework of agential realism because it highlights that our reality is constructed of relationships – everything has been made and shaped and changed. even the way we perceive reality is a product of the ideas we have been handed down by our culture.

over the last four years, i have mostly focused on internal work with people – helping them understand and navigate the parts inside of them and how our culture operates to oppress them on the daily, so that they can fight it head on —which really really makes the average day far better than when we can't see that stuff.

its been such a powerful journey with my clients and im so thankful for those that have stuck with me! i started in this place because this was the work that I myself needed to do. and there's no better way to learn than to teach. now i'm writing a little handbook about the approach i've developed over the last four years. about how to SEE the culture that we have internalized and find our agency and choose to practice new ways of seeing, doing, feeling, and thinking that feel more aligned to us. its actually really fucking fun in most ways.

because of this ground, im now expanding my work beyond this focus on internal worlds and orienting much more towards relational experiences between people. a lot of times in conflict, we are just FLOORED that the other person experiences a situation completely different from us. its because we have been shaped uniquely. our past experiences create the lens through which we look at reality. this is what culture IS.

truly, even within the blandest of the bland, whitest of the white suburban family – ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE CROSS CULTURAL. no one understands the world the same way. and usually, its that different way of seeing things between people that is a lot of the GOOD SHIT about the relationship – we get to explore the unknown within someone else we love. and the more we cross those bridges, the more trust we have that we will be seen and heard and cared for, even if not at first. and that thats all actually awesome. the fantasy of instant gratification where our people get us instantly and completely makes for a very boring life.

so how do we make space for love and care within these moments of friction and discomfort? to treat them like the fertilizer they are? these are my favorite explorations with folks in both their internal and external world. and there are many answers to these questions. the one i will give today is simple: make a story for your experience and find your roots, but don't assume you KNOW – keep your curious mind running. hold life with a loose hand.

if you have a relationship with someone you care about deeply, i invite you to ask them "do you value when we have conflict? what is it that you value about our conflict? what are some ways we can show each other that that is important to us?"

having comfort in these questions is an immensely powerful sign of solidarity in a relationship – one that takes a LOT of care to cultivate in this world. it would mean that you have designed your conflict to the point of appreciating it. to trusting that when there is a rupture that you'll get some interesting new information out of it. and knowing that will make your life better. this is how we be in community. its really an essential skill for the coming fall of civilization.

so, i suggest making your relationships a priority. don't rely on just the conflict skills you've been given. we all need support to develop our skills, especially me. the only way i got to this point is to be in multiple long protracted conflicts over the course of multiple relationships and multiple years so that we could build trust to keep coming back and changing and caring for each other. it takes practice and lots of good care and support.

so i humbly suggest: that you consider starting sessions with me

pick a best friend, lover, family relationship – who do you want to get closer with? who do you want to have the capacity to be "ride or die" with? i'm seeking a few dyads or triads of folks who are interested in deepening their connection to start monthly work where we unpack the dynamics of how we relate, where things go wrong, and what do to about it.

this kind of care and dedication to even a single connection ripples out to all other relationships in our lives, including the ones between our parts internally.

if you wanna try it out – book your first free sesh with me here:

sending love to all yall!

<3 ripple