guide: how to get clear in conflict

if you know me you know i disagree with the "anxious" vs "avoidant" and "secure" vs 'insecure" binaries for relationship. while there is some helpful rules of thumb in those frameworks when you squint your eyes at them, usually relationship coaches speak so authoritatively about those labels that they actually confuse people MORE. or give a false sense of power and understanding of situations that are really complex.

all conflict is complex cuz reality is complex. nothing just sums up to a categorical label.

for example: sometimes, when people don't want to engage in a conflict (and are perceived as "avoidant") its because they haven't figured out what they think and feel about a situation. this is actually a green flag for good decision-making. and doesn't necessarily mean anyone's being insecure. sometimes pulling back just means one person has a lower desire for connection and lower desire for processing.

in any case, for all kinds of people, it can be really hard to get aligned with ourselves in situations with others where something feels "off" – especially under the intensely alienating conditions here in the US. we wonder, do i feel confused because of some trauma in me? or is there something happening with this other person that i have a problem with? is there a lack of alignment of values? or is this a misunderstanding? what do they think? what do i even think?

let me give you a little framework you can use to help ground all the big brain sprial kind of thinking that we are so habituated to engage in.

FIRST: SET UP & LISTEN

clear a space. clean up a couch zone. clear a portion of your table. sit in a comfy chair. make your bed. make a cup of tea or get a little snack. do some jumping jacks. the goal here is to make a little empty place on page and in your mind and to get some energy flowing. creativity is an almost passive, natural process. creativity only requires you to make the space and build an intention and LISTEN TO THE BOD. the way we feel is the way we are thinking.

what emerges in the empty space? can you notice any feelings you're having about whats feeling "off"? write down a few words that come to mind. don't get attached to any of them.

i might write: "im mad at my friend, who i love."

SECOND: NAME A SPECIFIC MOMENT

one of the ways we often get tripped up in modern discourse about conflict is by focusing on PATTERNS of behavior more than individual interactions. its not that identifying patterns isn't useful (it totally is), but patterns are made up of specific moments with specific features. its usually more effective to enter a reflection of a pattern through a specific moment than through any generalizations. specific moments help build a complex relationship to a pattern.

what is a specific moment that feels relevant to the feelings you're having? there can be many, but pick just one to start. write down the observable facts of the situation. "when you picked me up from the hairdresser and rolled your eyes when i got in the car" is just the bare facts. "when you picked me up from the hairdresser and were rude to me" is a judgment. stick to just the things that someone external to the situation could notice. no judgements for now.

keep this part short - just one sentence and you're done. conflict isn't a legal case. you don't need an impenetrable wall of facts to make your point. that will just entrench you further in to your judgments.

THIRD: NAME YOUR FEELINGS

another place we often get tripped up in modern discussions is by putting big stories and fears in our descriptions of emotions and feelings, which accidentally weaponized our feelings. for example, people often say i felt "abandoned" or "dismissed" or "like you don't care about me" – these really aren't feelings, these are conceptualizations. these are our stories and fears about what someone else is thinking or doing. describing stories and fears as feelings doesn't invite connection or vulnerability – it makes it harder for us to understand our own experience and for others to clarify things we might not know about them.

save your stories and fears for the next step.

for now, what specific feelings did you feel in this specific moment?

put this after the description of observable facts: "when you picked me up from the hairdresser and rolled your eyes i felt ___ (surprised, angry, confused, curious, loving, lonely)"

use simple words, less than 3 syllables, that describe a sensory experience. ex: scared, angry, surprised, happy, rageful, grief, passionate, loving, hurt, grateful, confused, curious, affectionate, appreciative, excited, sad, lonely.... these are all simple words that center what you FEEL rather than what you THINK. in our conceptualization heavy culture we have to really be intentional about making space for this. its very simple, but the impact on connection and vulnerability is profound.

be mindful of using words that we commonly use to signal judgment implicitly, like "disappointed" and "frustrated." feelings of disappointment are often sufficiently described through sadness, and feelings of frustration are often sufficiently described through anger. to keep that vulnerability with ourselves, we're really trying to keep conceptual stories out of our emotional descriptions. try it out. it might be uncomfortable at first, because its more comfy to hide behind a conceptualization, but the effort is soooo so worth it.

keep listening to your body and notice if the feeling words you're putting together feel totally satisfying. with diligence, you'll uncover the feeling words that paint a satisfying picture.

in many situations, just naming a specific moment and the specific, simple & vulnerable feelings we had in that moment has a dramatic relaxing effect on us. sometimes thats all the reflection thats needed! and you can skip to the fifth step.

in other cases, something feels incomplete. it feels like there is a charge or energy remaining that hasn't been captured with words. in this case its good to go to the next step.

FOURTH: NAME YOUR STORY (/FEAR)

in many conflicts where we are having trouble understanding ourselves, its because we might have charged fears and stories about someone else.

in the fourth step of this little process, we examine our stories, fears, and judgments. for example, if you felt attached to the words "disappointed" and "frustrated," there is likely an important judgment or fear you are experiencing.

the most important thing to remember during this step is that: everything that's not a direct observable fact or a sensory-based feeling word is a story that we are making up to fill in the cracks. don't get attached to your stories. they help us make sense of our experience but they are guesses.

write out why you think someone is doing what they are doing. what is your best guess? whats your biggest fear about why they are doing what they are doing? put yourself in their shoes as much as possible. most of the time people's actions are much more about them and their internal world than about us. we often make up stories about other people that put ourselves at the center rather than put them at the center of their own experience. (more on that in a couple paragraphs)

its helpful to use the construction "i think that you ____" or "my biggest fear is that you _____."

judgment is such a big part of culture here in the US – while i believe working through our own judgment is our own responsibility (just because no one else can do it for us) – judgment still contains incredible wisdom about how we are approaching a situation. for example, if im super frustrated with my friend's eye roll as i get in their car – i might have the judgment that "they are just being a bitch cuz they can't stand up for themselves." the depth of feeling there is important, let it out, but don't stay there. remember its something we made up to make the situation make sense. sit with that story further. try to get underneath the judgment. i might notice that underneath the judgment is a deep fear of their resentment for me. i don't want lose the relationship or hurt them. if that fear is really big, i might be tempted to judge them for letting that resentment build instead of bringing it up with me or metabolizing it on their own. but it's really fear that's wrapped in a judgment. judgments often protect us from fear, sadness, and anger. its another way that we stay out of uncomfortable vulnerability.

generally, our judgments aren't very useful to help us feel clear and grounded. they can help us feel powerful in the short term (which can be essential if we aren't super good at holding our boundaries in the first place and need to get out of a situation) – but long term, judgment makes everyone feel like shit if we can't get underneath it. discernment, on the other hand, brings clarity and groundedness. discernment has a much different feeling than judgment in my body.

the point of this whole fourth step (naming our story/fear) is to build discernment. here discernment means parsing out truth from distortion and including any context that is lacking. in my work, we call this naming "whats true, what's not true, and whats also true (missing context)."

lets apply discernment to the example fear: that my friend picking me up while rolling their eyes is resentful of me. i can first just sit with what could be true about this.... take your time... hmmmm maybe they do have some resentment in some way (as indicated by the eye roll). but, what could be not true about this.... maybe this resentment isn't about me. maybe i can take myself out of the center of this story, and consider other stories that make their actions more about their experience. and if we consider what context may be missing (whats also true), maybe something else much bigger was going on for them in that moment and thats why they are rolling their eyes.

FIFTH: DIGEST AND (MAYBE) TAKE ACTION

in this example discernment, we can notice that there are at least a few reasonable ways that my friend could be experiencing picking me up from the hairdresser. and that these could even be simultaneous experiences. because im not in their head, i don't have enough information to know what best describes their experience. but since i have considered all these options, i can much better sense into whether it makes more sense to 1) share my fear of their resentment hurting our relationship (and ask for their discernment of whats true about that, whats not true, and what context is missing) or 2) whether to just ask if there's something else going on for them and if they need any support. its totally dependent on the specific situation which move might work better. there also might be other moves i'm not even thinking of!

there's no authoritatively "Right" move to make (ever), but this process gives much more ground and complexity to work with, especially if we are starting with a more or less vague experience like being mad at my friend (who i love).

this process is based on both radical psychiatry and skills for change frameworks. i'll keep writing about how conflict, shame and judgment, chronic muscular tension, oppression and power all intersect and inform how we can build a new world together.

i hope this was helpful for you! book with me if you want care around your relational complexity.

<3 ripple